The sun is out. SHIT.

“Oh you can do so much MORE when the sun shines,” people say. “Oh the days are so lovely and LONG!” Why on earth would you want to extend the day, thereby delaying your arrival at wine and bed?

If you have small children they will not sleep now until October. And you will be under immense pressure to GET OUT THERE AND ENJOY THE WEATHER and oh let’s have a picnic in the park with ten thousand wasps and piles of dog-crap and hoards of teenaged boys smoking weed and shouting “no way bro, you massive cunt” while you’re trying to blow dandelion clocks with your little darling.

After a morning of sweating at work and then sweating through my lunchtime nap, the last thing I want to do is put together a shit sandwich, pick up a shit kid, go to the shit park and feel shit about my sweaty thighs.

One way to avoid park hell is to fill a paddling pool in your garden if you have one. This will also be shit. Your kid will be cold. You will boil ten thousand kettles. They will splash you. You will attempt to laugh while your eyebrows slide off. You will consider wine at 4pm and if you are sharing this hell with another parent you will agree this is the way forward. This will also be shit. Because dealing with freezing cold, wet kids on a hot, sunny afternoon is one of the few experiences in life that is made worse by being drunk.

The only time sun can be enjoyed is on holiday where nobody you know can see your thighs or your face without eyebrows. I will also allow that the lack of cold and rain makes outside smoking seem suddenly all continental and brilliant. Otherwise, it’s just a marathon of suncream and rashes and sweating and privately mourning that whilst your sixteen year old daughter can rock her cut-off denim shorts and boho crop-top, when you were sixteen you had a flat-top haircut and a wide range of rugby-style tops from Millets…

My advice?  Pretend the sun isn’t happening. This is easy. Shut your curtains. Put on Cbeebies like normal. Or if you have no kids, that boxset you’ve been waiting for. Now turn on a fan. Put on a jumper. And simply behave like the person you were before the sun came out…

I will stop now until Monday. I don’t want these Annagrams to intrude on your lovely weekend/scheduled-row-with-your-family. I leave you with this:  May is International Masturbation Month. For this entire month you are encouraged to masturbate vigorously. My research into adult colouring taught me that any repetitive finger activity is good for the mind. So knock yourselves out friends…though not in the park please, or the paddling pool…YAK.