Shocking news in this week: apparently, we make judgements about people based on their physical appearance. I know! SCIENTISTS – PLEASE STOP IT WITH THESE REVELATIONS ABOUT HUMAN BEHAVIOUR!

A study in America sought to investigate the truth of the ‘Attractiveness Halo Effect’ – where you perceive pretty people as lovely people and munters as monsters. Turns out being ugly is the worst thing ever, being hot is the best thing ever, but being FAT…well that turns out to be a bit interesting…

I am quite fat. Or loads fat. Or not that fat. Depending on you, the viewer. Either way, according to actual measurements, I’m likely to be one of the obese tribe who will clog up your NHS in a few years (assuming it still exists) with my diabetes and dicky heart, but also my ‘bubbly personality’ and lovely chubby cheeks. And while I’m there I absolutely will not pass judgement on your sport-related injuries clogging up the x-ray dept or your running-related dicky knees which need highly specialised physio…we are all demanding in our own ways…

The true revelation of this study is the finding that being slim can actually be a curse. The one area where fat people scored higher than both the thin and the hot put together, related to HONESTY. Us fatties are perceived to be lazy, less happy, less emotionally stable, less successful and even (seriously?) less CLEAN. But, we are proper NINJA when it comes to being honest.

This is useful info for many professionals. Lawyers should all be fat. Ditto criminals. Being fat would serve a fortune-teller very well. Jeremy Hunt – get on the donuts and you can turn this whole thing around…

I view my extra layers as markers of happiness. You often hear women, after childbirth, describing their stretchmarks as ‘battle scars’. They feel these new imperfections are symbols of their love for and pride in their children. This seems to me to be a rather long game. Yes, if at the age of fifty your child is awarded the Nobel Prize for cancer research, you can say, ‘oh it WAS worth all the heammaroids and lifetime of peeing when I sneeze’. But what if they turn out to be…I dunno…a politican or something? Then you’re just left with your ravaged vagina and the knowledge that you brought George Osbourne into being…

But fat? Fat can be a sign of deep joy. It speaks of long evenings digesting boxsets and cheesy nibbles and wine. It says, I do not obsess about my body or the future, I live for this moment right here, scoffing this magnificent meal with these fabulous friends. Perhaps this is why we are perceived as being more honest (even if we are in fact also a bit self-deluded and in a smidge of denial about exactly how many custard creams we just ate)…

I know it looks like I’m chewing on a used sanitary pad in the pic, but it’s actually a hunk of bread slathered in jam (one of my 5-a-day) and I do this for you. I very much want to be honest in these ramblings, so I shall remain pleasantly plump and deeply unclean…of mind at least…